


started out with a kiss (how did we end up like this?)

by jaemsung



Series: the meaning of love [1]
Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Childhood Friends, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied Sexual Content, Kissing, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-26
Updated: 2019-09-01
Packaged: 2020-02-04 18:49:24
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18610396
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jaemsung/pseuds/jaemsung
Summary: “You know I can't give you everything you want,” Donghyuck said as Mark stepped into his space, their faces mere inches apart.“I’ll take what I can get,” Mark said with a certain indescribable hunger as he lunged forward and captured Donghyuck’s lips in a kiss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [sheshea](https://archiveofourown.org/users/sheshea/gifts).



“You know I can't give you everything you want,” Donghyuck said as Mark stepped into his space, their faces mere inches apart.

“I’ll take what I can get,” Mark said with a certain indescribable hunger as he lunged forward and captured Donghyuck’s lips in a kiss.

This was definitely not what Donghyuck was expecting when Mark knocked on his door asking for help with his biology homework. Mark was the loud outspoken boy whose laughter could be heard echoing down the classrooms, he always had a smile on his face and a heart made of gold. Sure, his mind was always in the gutter and he wasn't too great at reading situations, but he was sweet nonetheless.

Donghyuck and Mark were childhood friends, they did everything together until middle school hit and Mark developed these pesky things called feelings. It slowly drove them apart until the only talking they did was a quick wave in the hallways. However, every once in a while they would be forced to talk due to their close friend groups and every word that left Donghyuck’s lips left Mark silently begging for more. He searched for meaning in Donghyuck’s offhanded compliments and slightly sexual banter, though secretly he knew there wasn't. 

And Donghyuck knew. Maybe he was a bad person for leading Mark on like that, but he didn't mean it. It was just his personality. So, when he opened the door and heard little Mark Lee ask if he would “help him with his anatomy model,” he knew it was an excuse.

_ You know I can't give you what you want. _ Mark knew but he couldn't care less. He would  _ take _ whatever Donghyuck would give him. He welcomed each tug on his hair, he embraced each time Donghyuck bit his lip, almost hard enough to draw blood.

Mark pushed back against Donghyuck, taking and taking until the younger’s back in the wall with a loud  _ thump _ . Hyuck’s eyebrows furrowed in anger as he threads his fingers through Mark’s hair and tugged him away. The older eyes were glassy, pupils blown with lust and  _ want _ , his lips slightly swollen as he whispered,

“Please,” a simple yet desperate whisper hissed through Mark’s teeth as he tugged on Donghyuck’s belt. 

Donghyuck’s heart lurched with sadness because he couldn't give Mark what he wanted.  _ I’ll take what I can get _ , Donghyuck’s hold loosened and Mark was on him once again.

Mark’s hands were nimble on Donghyuck’s pants while the younger bit the pale skin of Mark’s neck. 

“Mark…” Donghyuck gave the younger a sad look as the boy fell to his knees, looking up at Hyuck with watery eyes, “you're going to hurt yourself.”

Mark knew what he meant. He didn't mean he was going to hurt himself on his knees trying to please the younger, he knew what Donghyuck meant. He meant he was going to hurt his emotions, his dignity, his  _ pride _ .

_ I can't give you want. _

“I don't care.” Was the last thing Mark said that night.

 

***

 

The next morning, Mark didn't wake up to the sound of his alarm. Instead, he woke up to the sound of a kettle boiling in a kitchen that was very much not his own. As his eyes slowly adjusted to the light, he felt around the bed, looking around the unfamiliar room in confusion.

And then he remembered the night before and it all made sense. The unfamiliar room, the marks on his thighs, the soreness in his muscles, it all made sense.

_ Hyuck. _ He jumped up and put on his shirt and sweatpants from the night before, rolling his shoulders and neck to relieve some of the pain, before stepping into the hallway. The dorm looked different in the daytime, brighter, more colourful, but the only thing Mark could focus on was Donghyuck in the middle of the kitchenette sipping on some coffee.

“You're up,” Donghyuck commented, his face neutral as Mark walked forward.

He knew Mark was dying to say something, but Donghyuck feared that what he would say would ruin the fragile balance of their relationship.

“Coffee?” Donghyuck asked as he gestured to the kettle that woke Mark up.

His hands curled into fists, reaching out and grabbing Donghyuck’s sleeve.

“I love you.”

Donghyuck’s eyes widened, blinking twice in confusion before settling into a sad look.

“Mark…” Donghyuck sighed, “I told you, I can't give you what you want.”

Mark knew that. He knew the second he knocked on Donghyuck’s door the night before. Yet he still pushed, he still took more than he was allowed to. He let himself be greedy, he let himself be selfish, but he knew that in the end he would be left with nothing. He wished he could say that it was worth it, that the pleasure he felt was worth it but all he was left with was bruises and aching muscles and a broken heart.

Mark shook his head, tears threatening to fall from his starry eyes.

“I know,” Mark’s breathing turned erratic as his grip on Donghyuck’s shirt tightened, “thank you. For last night.”

Donghyuck simply nodded. He was scared his voice might just crack if he said a word. Mark took in a deep breath before stepping forward and gently slotting their lips together, so soft, so feather-light, Donghyuck wouldn't have felt it if he wasn't hyper-focused on Mark’s every move. Hyuck gingerly kissed back, letting his hand come up to cup Mark’s cheek and brush a stray tear away.

“I’m sorry,” Donghyuck said against Mark’s trembling lips.

The older shook his head and pressed one final kiss to Donghyuck’s lips before stepping away. He wiped the tears from his eyes and sniffled, taking small steps backwards as he did.

“Bye,” Mark said with a smile that seemed way too sweet for the situation.

Donghyuck sighed, his shoulders slumping as his eyebrows pinched in concern.

_ I can't give you what you want. _

_ I shouldn't have let you in. _

_ I should've given you more. _

The door closed behind Mark, the soft sound deafening in Donghyuck’s ears. 

He never saw Mark again.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “Hyuck?” Mark breathed out, still reeling from the initial shock.
> 
> “Mark,” Donghyuck sighed this time, “Please, I-I need you.”
> 
> based on this song: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ed_YAcc78gs&list=PL1kchjgh2ATFDjwmMcIaI6dm72waZd4cC&index=5

“Can I ask you something?” Yukhei asked, as he gently ran his hands through Mark’s hair.

“Mhmm?” Mark opened his eyes, looking up at Yukhei with dazed eyes from where he was, resting his head the boy's lap. 

“Who is Donghyuck to you?” Yukhei asked, sending a shiver through Mark’s blood for a second. It had been three months since he closed the door on Donghyuck’s apartment. He hadn't seen the boy in three months, and he had been purposely avoiding the places that he knew Hyuck frequented. To hear Yukhei say the boy’s name felt weird and he absolutely hated the way his heart jumped and then promptly sank.

“Why do you ask?” Mark asked as he sat up and turned to face Yukhei properly. The fondness in Yukhei’s eyes as he spoke was undeniable, and Mark loved what they had. They weren't dating, they weren't a couple they were just friends. Mark told himself it was because he wasn't ready for a relationship but deep down he knew it was because he was hung up on Donghyuck. But Yukhei was content to wait and Mark constantly thanked him for it

“Well, you know, my room is across from his and before we met I was coming home and I saw you go into his room late at night...and then you left crying the next day,” Yukhei eloquently explained, so calmly, so quietly, that Mark could hear his heart thumping in his ears, “Why were you there? Who is Donghyuck to you?”

Mark breathed out a laugh before leaning back on his hands.

“Who is Donghyuck to anyone?” Mark said with a slight laugh though there was no humour in his tone.

“We were friends, really great friends, absolutely inseparable,” Mark smiled as he looked back on the now distant memories from a time when they were friends. 

“And then we were something more,” The smile faltered as he averted his eyes, “and then something else…”

“And then we were nothing at all.”

Yukhei gave Mark a comforting smile before reaching out and pulling him into a hug. 

“It’s okay he's a loser anyway, I’m way cooler,” Yukhei said into Mark’s hair. And Mark wanted to believe that he truly did. He wanted to believe that he was over Donghyuck but he knew he wasn't. He knew it because passing by the bench they used to sit on, hurt his heart, he knew it because whenever he would catch just a glimpse of the boy his heart would jump out of his chest. He wanted to be over Donghyuck. He wanted to hate him, but he couldn't bring himself to. No matter what Donghyuck did Mark still hung onto his every word, no matter how many times Hyuck broke his heart, there was always a small part of him that longed to be with him.

Though after their last hookup, Mark didn't have to pick up the pieces on his own. Shortly after he met Yukhei. He was the sweetest boy with a heart of gold and a smile that could brighten anyone's day. And for once he felt okay. He felt like he was finally getting over Donghyuck. It still hurt and that part of him still wanted Donghyuck but it started to fade over time.

“You are way cooler,” Mark smiled once Yukhei had let go. When he pushed himself up to stand, he held out his hand to help the other boy up, and they walked towards the dorms hand in hand.

As they walked, Mark swore he could almost feel the ghost of the bruises Donghyuck had left all over his body.

 

***

 

“Wait wait,” Jaemin panted, pulling away from Donghyuck with a lewd pop.

“What?” Donghyuck sighed and slumped against the wall.

“I heard you're dating that Mark kid is that true?” Jaemin asked his chest still heaving, “I don't wanna be a homewrecker.

 _Mark,_ God that was the first time he had heard that name in a while. A vivid image of the boy’s blond hair and sparkling eyes popped into his head and he visibly cringed.

“I’m not dating him.” Donghyuck spat. It came out a lot meaner than he had expected.

Jaemin’s eyebrows furrowed in frustration, and he stepped back.

“Gee I'm sensing a lot of anger,” Jaemin joked, “Well you obviously have strong feelings about him.”

“Whatever.” Donghyuck huffed.

“Who is Mark lee to you?”

Donghyuck paused. Who  _is_  Mark lee to him? Mark was everything to him, and then all of a sudden he was nothing. Like a switch was flipped. He was a person that Donghyuck had broken another name to add to the list of broken hearts he had caused.

“My biggest regret.” Donghyuck sighed, slumping against the wall further with a sad look on his face. Jaemin looked him up and down before sighing and grabbing Donghyuck’s shoulders, pulling him back into a kiss. Donghyuck was glad for the silent change of topic and took this as a chance to push all his frustrations in a fierce kiss with Jaemin. He took and he took and he took until Mark was just a distant memory. Shirts came off, belts were unbuckled and then they were hitting Donghyuck’s bed, a messy painting mess. 

Donghyuck thought maybe if he tried hard enough he would get over the fact that he was pressing Jaemin into the mattress the same way he did to Mark.

 

***

 

It was twenty-seven minutes past one when Donghyuck called.

Mark was forced awake when his phone started vibrating on his bedside table. Throwing his arm on the table, he blindly searched for his phone, not bothering to look at the caller ID. 

“Hello?” Mark sleepily whispered since Yukhei was asleep next to him.

“Mark?” Donghyuck’s voice came through the speakers, cold, broken and overflowing with emotion. Mark’s blood ran cold as he blinked owlishly into space. _Donghyuck_ , he hated how the boy's sweet voice still sent shivers down his spine.

“Hyuck?” Mark breathed out, still reeling from the initial shock.

“Mark,” Donghyuck sighed this time, “Please, I-I need you.”

_...He needs me?_

“What happened Donghyuck?”

Hyuck paused for a minute, obviously gathering his thoughts, before words spilt from his lips like blood from a cut or rain from a broken roof. 

“I’m sorry for treating you so badly, I’m sorry for breaking you, I didn’t realise until just now that I need you. Mark, I need you in my life, _please_.” 

This wasn’t the first time Donghyuck had called him late at night. He had gotten many calls, but they all went straight to voicemail because Mark just couldn’t do it. He couldn’t bear to hear Donghyuck’s sweet voice, that voice that Mark was hopelessly in love with, because he knew he would do whatever the boy wished.

To hear Donghyuck beg and plead, pained Mark, his heart lurched in a desperate attempt to follow Donghyuck wherever he went. 

“Mark, _please._ ” Donghyuck cried and Mark broke once again for the boy. 

“Where are you?”

 

***

 

Donghyuck still smelled like coffee.

Mark didn’t think he’d see Donghyuck again after their last night together but here he was, with Donghyuck in his arms. 

Donghyuck was in an alleyway on the bad side of town. He was slouched against the back door to some bar, a half-burned cigarette at his feet. It had rained earlier and the floor was damp, and every time the wind blew a little bit too hard, just a few more drops of rain fell.

Mark didn’t know what had gotten Donghyuck in this mood, what had gotten him to the point where he thought he only had Mark to turn to. 

“I don’t want to be like this anymore,” Donghyuck sobbed, his nails digging into Mark’s thin overcoat, “I don’t want to be l-like this. I-”

Mark silently held Donghyuck tighter, squeezing his eyes shut as he buried his face in Donghyuck’s wet hair. Mark pushed his feelings away, letting his body move on autopilot to calm Donghyuck down. 

Then the boy looked up at him, his eyes completely heartbroken and Mark hated the way that he could see himself reflected in those starry eyes. He looked so young and small and...broken.

He let Donghyuck lean in and kiss him, soft and gentle. And Mark kissed back, because he had secretly wanted this moment for so long. His shattered heart quickly pieced back together, desperately clinging onto the affection he was receiving-- like Donghyuck clinging to his windbreaker. Passion and raw emotion and pure _want_ coursed through Mark’s heart until it overflowed and he was taking more and more of Donghyuck. He wanted this, _God,_ he wanted this for so long, he wanted Donghyuck to beg for him. But it was wrong it was fake and his heart began to break just as fast as it had put itself back together.

“Mark, Please, I-I need you. I need you in my life again. _Please,”_ Donghyuck pleaded once they pulled away.

He thought back to their night together when Donghyuck had given him hope, when Donghyuck had spent all of Mark’s love and left him broken inside. No matter how much he longed to be with Donghyuck, to be with the one that he loved, he knew he couldn't do that. He couldn't let himself stoop that low, he couldn't let himself go back.

“Donghyuck…” Mark whispered, his breath clouding in the space between them, “We-- what he _used_ to be...it’s over.”

“Mark-”

“I loved you Donghyuck, _fuck_ I still do, but I’m not what you need and you’re not what I need. Even if I want you to be, I know you aren't. I should’ve known that we could never be together, but Donghyuck… there's no room for you with me. You’re beyond me, I could never tie you down,” Mark said the last bit with a bittersweet smile.

“No, Mark, I want you.”

“I want you too Donghyuck, but it’s not meant to be like this. I won't let myself-” _be broken by you again,_ Mark wanted to say but he felt like the moment wasn't right. He knew if he said that then Donghyuck would shatter like a porcelain doll in his arms. 

“ _Please,”_ Donghyuck cried, tears freely running down his cheeks. Mark saw his reflection in his watery eyes. This time he looked older, confident, but still just as broken.

“Don't do this to me Donghyuck. I’m weak, I’m so weak for you.” Mark pulled Donghyuck into one final embrace, pressing a kiss to his forehead as a tear escaped his eye.

“We can't do this anymore,” Mark pulled away entirely, leaving Donghyuck cold and empty. The boy didn't even look at him, all the fight had left his body and his eyes were glazed over--empty as he stared down at the half-burnt cigarette at his feet.

“I love you too,” Donghyuck whispered. It was like a bullet against Mark’s already broken heart, but he wouldn't let himself be shaken. He took a deep breath and swallowed over the lump in his throat.

“Goodbye, Donghyuck.”

 

***

 

That night he got a call from Donghyuck.

He picked up his phone, declining the call before staring down at the contact glaring up at him.

_Are you sure you want to block this number?_

Mark hit yes and turned over onto his other side, closing his eyes as another tear rolled down his cheek.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this was supposed to be a one shot yet here i am,,,,with a heart breaking follow up,,,,
> 
> lmk what you thought in the comments!!!
> 
> im thinking abt writing a third one with an actual happy ending what do you think?

**Author's Note:**

> oof  
> if any of you play the arcana you know what is up ;)  
> i wrote this because i was sad and angsty hdagjksfh i hope you liked it!!  
>  you can request a oneshot about love in the comments or [here!](https://twitter.com/qianjuns/status/1121167635520139264)
> 
> [cc](https://curiouscat.me/jamjaems)   
>  [twt](https://twitter.com/qianjuns)


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